HEART vs. MIND

Assalamualaikum... ada something I wish to share with my followers.. something a bit personal that I always munch them on my own.. its been a while since I cry out loud when I have a thought on my Ghaziy.. but last night I shed into an unstoppable cry...

 I was juz done with my Isya' prayer which a bit late sebab melayan cerita Sekali Lagi @ Mustika HD. A sad story with a cheers ending. Spending my night @ my sister in law house is no big issue as we always spend nights there. Cumanye... selesai solat, tetiba je rasa hening sangat.. My mind was flown back to moment I'm under confinement in that room with my Ghaziy next to me..

 I was praying in the same room I spent my days and nights berpantang. Teringat, bila nak tidur both of us will be showered with sweats coz the Ayah said ibu and Ghaziy tak elok kena direct fan. I started remeber how I woke at nights to breastfeed the little guy and curi curi tarik kipas from his Ayah..and that made me crash into tears.. Suddenly I felt so angry not to be able to comfort my baby enough while he is beside me.. I cried and cried until my husband entered the room.

I'll regain myself with istighfar and my heart started to fill in peace and rationale thinking. Nonetheless, I make promise that I am not going to allow the same situation to be repeated. Most probably, I couldn't afford to undergo another trip of confinement in the same room...the same fan...

 Perhaps people would think I overreact on the situation. Though, that is what and how I felt. and thank you Allah for granting me an understanding husband to comfort and sooth me whenever I lost myself to depression.

Once I got back to my strong will, I recite this..and syukur.. I found peace pace in my heart..

Ya Allah,

Moga anakku bersedia menolong ku & suami untuk membuka pintu Syurga buat kami...

Ya Allah,
Izinkanlah anakku yang 'pergi' itu  sentiasa menungguku di pintu syurga, menunggu ibu & ayahnya hadir mendekatinya... 

Sesungguhnya Engkau ya Allah lebih menyayangi anakkku..

Sesungguhnya Engkau Maha Mengetahui apa yang terbaik...
Aku redha ini satu ujian dariMu kepada hambaMu yang hina ini.
dan aku mohon dikurniakan ketabahan dan kesabaran serta redha atas ketentuanMu ini...

MRDS - Malaysia Rare Disease Disorder

Hello Malaysia... Guess what, a week ago I was called to meet up with parents with SMA children thru MRDS gathering today. It's unfortunate that only 2 existing members are known to form a group support for SMA.

So I just pulled myself and joined the gathering.. Finally I found a foot path to activate our glorious dream of having Malaysia SMA support team as one have in UK, US and Australia.

I would want people especially those who has big role in this nation to be aware the needs of minority group of SMA family in receiving the best possible care..

A lot to write but I'm short of time currently, till the next post... ;D

Alhamdulillah... feel blessed to be alive until now..sipping fresh air which is no longer purely fresh due to human's violation, though syukur...sbb Allah masih izinkan diri ini melalui a perfect life with my sweetheart, Saiful, my lovely parents and siblings.. Hari ini, I made another step on my research in overcming my anxiety towards future pregnancy. The doctors yang treated my Ghaziy, said if I were to conceive another baby, I am needed to inform the genetician ASAP. So be it, a test is require in order to avoid an affected SMA baby to be born. The whole procedures wajib dibuat before my pregnancy reaches 120 days. The reason being is that as setiap kali I pregnant, there will be 25% chance of conceiving affected child, which I really am not favor. Hence, if the test confirms positive SMA it will be a sad and devastating decission for me to give u the feto... Ya Allah, hindarilah diriku dari terpaksa membuat keputusan yang amat berat itu. Persoalan yang always clinging in my mind is that will the action of abortion is allowed in Islam???? Therefore, my research lead to this website http://www.e-fatwa.gov.my/artikel/pandangan-syarak-mengenai-pengguguran-kandungan. Sedikit sebanyak info yang dapat dirumuskan are as follows: Memandangkan kepada implikasi kos yang tinggi untuk menyediakan ‘Penjagaan Yang Sebaik Mungkin (Best Possible Care), satu strategi harus dilaksanakan bertujuan untuk mengurangkan kelahiran keskes baru. Ujian saringan dan kaunseling semata-mata, tanpa pengguguran janin, tidak akan mengurangkan jumlah kes-kes baru dan seterusnya tidak akan dapat mengurangkan beban penderitaan terhadap pengidap tersebut, beban kepada keluarga, masyarakat dan negara. Menggugurkan kandungan selepas 4 bulan adalah haram. Ini telah disepakati oleh para ulama’, kerana membunuh jiwa seseorang tanpa hak yang dibenarkan oleh syarak kecuali kerana darurat. Ini berdasarkan firman Allah S.W.T. Maksudnya: “Sesungguhnya Allah hanya mengharamkan kepada kamu makan bangkai, darah, daging dan binatang yang tidak disembelih kerana Allah. Maka sesiapa terpaksa (memakannya kerana darurat) sedang ia tidak mengingininya dan tidak pula melampaui batas (pada kadar benda yang dimakan itu), maka tidaklah ia berdosa, Sesungguhnya Allah Maha Pengampun lagi Maha Mengasihani”. (Surah al-Baqarah: ayat 173) Pendapat Fuqaha’ membahagikan peringkat pembesaran janin dalam kandungan untuk digugurkan berdasarkan kepada tiga peringkat selaras dengan Kaedah Fiqhiyah (memilih yang lebih ringan di antara dua kemudharatan) bagi mengelakkan bahaya yang berat: Peringkat 1 hingga 40 hari (nutfah - alaqah). Peringkat 40 hari hingga 4 bulan (Mudghah - Berbentuk). Peringkat 4 bulan ke atas (sesudah ditiup roh). Keputusan diambil kira dengan mengikut peringkat umur serta berdasarkan syarat berikut: Menurut ijmak Fuqaha’, haram menggugurkan janin yang telah berumur lebih 120 hari kerana pengguguran itu dianggap satu jenayah ke atas janin yang telah ditiupkan roh kecuali pengguguran itu untik menyelamatkan nyawa ibu atas sebab kecacatan yang teruk. Makruh menggugurkan janin yang berumur antara satu hari hingga 40 hari sekiranya tidak mendatangkan bahaya kepada ibu dan mendapat persetujuan kedua-dua suami isteri. Ijma’ Fuqaha’ berpendapat pengguguran janin yang berumur sebelum 120 hari harus sekiranya janin itu cacat dan berpenyakit yang boleh membahayakan nyawa ibu. Anyone out there who has opinion or comment regarding the above..feel free to throw any single thought that might assist me to go through this in future. Sangat appreciate to any info...I am looking forward to make the most wise and accurate decision for this matter.. Till we meet again in my next post..Assalamualaikum...

RINDUUUUUU...

hmmm...Dah lama since I wrote my last post..too long, I guess. Recently I have been tide up with work and extra activities that I made up to fill in my free time (was not a good excuse of not writing, though). Frankly, I am dried of appetite to write, cause I am washed with tears whenever I open this blog dashboard. In brief, I felt the grieve of loosing my 'Warrior' more and more as the time passed. Hmmmm... bukan senang nak melupakan anak yang pergi ke tempat that we noted as the best place ever. It is true that my Ghaziy would be guaranteed heaven insyaallah and he will never ever forget me & his ayah once the time arrives. Nonetheless, I'm feeling bitter now and then.. struggling with the lost..imagining how would he look like as 1 1/2 year old baby. Sometimes he do drops in my dream but not in any mean that I can describe when I awake. Mungkin penyejuk hati yang selalu senang dipengaruhi negativities whispered by the devil is ONE DAY...MY GHAZIY WILL RUN FOR US..ONE DAY, OUR GHAZIY WILL LOOK FOR US..ONE DAY ALLAH WILL UNITE US WITH OUR GHAZIY. That are phrases me and hubby would always tell to each other... ONE DAY.. And in the meantime, life must goes on.. a smile need to be put on my oval face daily hoping that Allah will grant me a child that is free from autosomal recessive.. a child that I can cuddle every night... a child that every parent would have dream.. Insyaallah... Currently, my determination is to plan for a baby.. Banyak research I made on keeping track of mensus. Coicidently if Iam pregnant it is important for me to undergo a prenatal test. Based on my research, prenatal test yang qualify for me and the situation is CHORIONIC VILLUS SAMPLING (CVS). Bunyinye macam adventurous je if I am getting pregnant.. so, please pray for my rezeki everybody.. andddd..paling penting DOAKU PADA ALLAH TAK PERNAH KURANG AGAR DIKURNIAKAN ZURIAT YANG SIHAT DAN TERHINDAR DARI SEGALA PENYAKIT.. Next post, Insyaallah I'm going to talk about CVS.. sounds creepy, tapi bila kita bercerita pada orang mungkin rasa takut untuk face the reality will diminish.. berserah pada Allah setelah berusaha.. and I'll do that!!!

HOW TRUE THAT IMPERFECTION HOLDS BEAUTY..?

“Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.”
― Marilyn Monroe, Marilyn

The above sounds so motivating.. But currently I felt the other way round. I in the ambience of demotivating myself. I felt so lonely despite a truthful and loyal husband who kept me uprising. I'm truly feeling the lost. It's creepy to admit that I'm a bit falling apart. But here I am feeling sorry for myself and filling the grievance again.

People said time will heal but I'm starting to doubt it. I can start to feel that my feelings of missing Ghaziy is becoming to be featured as an active volcano. Couldn't talk about having this feeling with anyone even to my darling Saiful. He'd be devastated too as he's been trying hard to make me as happy as he could.

I begin to feel that my life is filling up with imperfection. Upon delivering Ghaziy I felt that my life was truly perfected. No words no money and nothing in this world could replace the joy and gratitude when I gave birth to him on 12.12.2010. A beautiful and greatest gift for my wedding anniversary.

Loosing him for nearly 3 months causes me to reach the limit of trying to be optimist. I'm getting to feel that there's a big round hole in me. That's what I called my imperfection. And, there's no beauty that I could extract from such feeling...

"Oh dear Allah the Almighty, give me the strength for this challenges you've vested in me..." and I'm gonna keep on praying for such strength so as to have hope to see the beauty of my little piece of imperfect life..

A walk to remember...

It's almost 2 months since Ghaziy departed from this world. I surely misses him a lot. Couldn't describe the pain in a conclusive word..despite the bitterness I'd always redha. I'm going through my lifetime with my best buddy, my betterhalf i.e. the darling Saiful Nizam.

As promised in my previous post, I shall continue the story of a tremendous holiday I had beginning of 2012.

As its a fact that the whole family was going to Penang for Amil's wedding, my husband and I planned to have a new year 'escapade'.. And my sister Elly had the same thought too. So we booked our stay at Vistana Penang. We started to depart from KL after subuh, with an excitement. Daniel, Adam n Ra'ees were full with enthusiast as they hadn't gone for a Holliday quite sometime.

My sis had a big plan for our new eve dinner... The rest of the pictures would be a great memoirs of our walk that to be remembered. A holiday where all of us companies each others' lost...

Thanx Kak Che' for the great dinner..

BEGINNING OF 2012

It's been a while since my last post... A bit busy lately since me n hubby had a wonderful new year eve in Penang.
Celebrated the eve with my dear sis Elly and her 3 musketeers Daniel, Adam and Ra'ees.

Had a great moment in Hard Rock Penang, enjoyed our stay in Vistana and definitely nasi kandar and pasembor..

The main reason we went to Penang was to attend my cousin's wedding.. We took the opportunity to make it as part of our trip to rejuvenate ourselves.

We'll tell more about the trip later. ..anyway congratulation to the newly weds Amil and Wani..