AM I THAT Strong..??? perhaps not as strong as people think...

Bright sunny day, birds chirping, free hassle morning..that's all are blessings for me Alhamdulillah for the past 40 days I managed to stand strong walking my daily life...until yesterday..

It's been a week since I collected my laundry that includes Ghaziy's soft toys. Thanx to my best laundry shop "Precious" who took a good handling in cleaning the toys. I never thought that I could get sooo emotional touching the toys after a month since I sent it to the laundry. Post collecting it from the shop, I just leave it in the paper bag at the corner of my room. Just after Maghrib prayer yesterday, I opened it and I couldn't stop the shower of my tears. I was still in my praying dress and I was alone in the room. The moment I hold the red angry bird pillow my mind was cramped with every minute of my period with lil Ghaziy. Even though I keep telling myself to get hold of myself and to stop the tears before my hubby enters the room, I failed to do so.. I end up letting myself to burst the tears and I realized that I really miss that little guy.

I push the toys out of my sight few minutes later as I believed I haven't had enough will to look at it nonetheless to think where to hide it or to keep it safe. And there it is until now stuck in the paper bag at my bedroom corner. Perhaps my dear hubby will put it in storage later. After all, he did all the storage and safe keeping of my Ghaziy's wardrobe and toys.

I walked myself out of the room with reddish eyes and sobbing sound. Subhanallah, my hubby understands me so well and he make us out of the house in a minute for outside dinner. Despite my silence throughout the way to our dinner, my darling husband never stops cheering me up, pointing the optimism of our life and what a tremendous adventure awaits the two of us in future.

I guess that I'm not the strong person as what all my fellow friends always talks about. I stumbled into heavy tears even when I looked enthusiast throughout the days. The big hole in my heart is incapable of being filled.. but my dear sister, Elly said the time will heal me.. I do hope it will...

Thanks dear Saiful Nizam for standing, holding and lifting me up every moment of my life..

Mourn...neaaaahhh..

It'll be 40 days since Ghaziy's left me. There'll be time I'd whispered to myself whilst looking at his picture on my cell, "Is he really no longer with me? How could a cute lil fella died so early.." But I'l cut the thrash thinking ASAP. Alhamdulillah, I'm making myself busy day and night. I filled my time with work schedules, making plans and house projects...starting a hobby..

Speaking of starting a hobby..I love papers and cards..n of course I love my Ghaziy..so I plan to make a scrapbook in memoirs of his 11 months lifetime..on top of that I wish to challenge myself in realizing the project with a timeline.. I bet it will be interesting.. will keep posting on the actual date I'll commence my project though.. wish me luck!!!

By the way, for the past 30 days since I resume my day without Ghaziy, it happened that my abah wanted to make me a bit cheerful by organizing an outing to Kuala Selangor. The trip was joined by my elder twin sisters and the whole bunch of my nephews and nieces. We made our journey from 10am in the morning and reach home at 10pm..hahahaha..it was a marvelous day..Got to enjoy the sunset and ate lunch and dinner full of seafood.

It's unfortunate that Along couldn't make it to the trip. She had unavoidable event to be attended...

Till we meet again, insyaAllah..

It's been 2 years!!!!

Alhamdulillah..my marriage to Saiful Nizam Ali make its way to our 2nd year. We figured that marriage isn't as simple as we thought. there were hurdles and hardship that requires a lot of patient and tolerance between us. The path walked through by us was full with interesting accompanied with bittersweet experience having our truly special son, Muhammad Ghaziy.

The special part of celebrating my anniversary is that it falls a day after my Ghaziy's birthday. When I delivered him last year he became the greatest gift for our first anniversary. Even though I couldn't celebrate our 2nd anniversary with the little pumpkin, I was blessed to know that he'll celebrate it soooon in a world beyond my knowledge.

As for my darling husband, Saiful Nizam I would always feel blessed having him as my betterhalf. He'd been nurturing the positivism in my life, making me a strong lady walking through a hard and challenging life. My prayers to him:

Ya Allah…

Kau ampunilah dosa ku yang telah ku perbuat

Kau limpahkanlah aku dengan kesabaran yang tiada terbatas

Kau berikanlah aku kekuatan mental

Kau kurniakanlah aku dengan sifat keredhan

Kau peliharalaYa Allah..

Peliharalah lidahku dari kata-kata nista

Kau kuatkanlah semangatku menempuhi segala cabaran Mu

Kau berikanlah aku sifat kasih sesama insan

Ya Allah…

Sekiranya suamiku ini adalah pilihan Mu di Arash

Berilah aku kekuatan dan keyakinan untuk terus bersamanya

Sekiranya suamiku ini adalah suami yang akan membimbing tanganku dititian Mu

Kurniakanlah aku sifat kasih dan redha atas segala perbuatannya

Sekiranya suami ku ini adalah bidadara untuk ku di Jannah Mu

Limpahkanlah aku dengan sifat tunduk dan tawaduk akan segala perintahnya

Sekiranya suami ku ini adalah yang terbaik untukku di Dunia Mu

Peliharalah tingkah laku serta kata-kataku dari menyakiti perasaannya

Sekiranya suami ku ini jodoh yang dirahmati oleh Mu

Berilah aku kesabaran untuk menghadapi segala kerenah dan ragamnya

Tetapi ya Allah…

Sekiranya suami ku ini ditakdirkan bukan untuk diriku seorang

Kau tunjukkanlah aku jalan yang terbaik untuk aku harungi segala dugaan Mu

Sekiranya suami ku tergoda dengan keindahan dunia Mu

Limpahkanlah aku kesabaran untuk terus membimbingnya

Sekiranya suamiku tunduk terhadap nafsu yang melalaikan

Kurniakanlah aku kekuatan Mu untuk aku memperbetulkan keadaanya

Sekiranya suamiku menyintai kesesatan

Kau pandulah aku untuk menarik dirinya keluar dari terus terlena

Ya Allah…

Kau yang Maha Mengetahui apa yang terbaik untukku

Kau juga yang Maha Mengampuni segala kesilapan dan keterlanjuranku

Sekiranya aku tersilap berbuat keputusan

Bimbinglah aku ke jalan yang Engkau redhai

Sekiranya aku lalai dalam tanggungjawabku sebagai isteri

Kau hukumlah aku didunia tetapi bukan diakhirat Mu

Sekiranya aku engkar dan derhaka

Berikanlah aku petunjuk kearah rahmat Mu

Ya Allah…

Sesungguhnya aku lemah tanpa petunjuk Mu

Aku buta tanpa bimbingan Mu

Aku cacat tanpa hidayah Mu

Aku hina tanpa Rahmat Mu

Ya Allah…

Kuatkan hati dan semangatku

Tabahkan aku menghadapi segala cubaan Mu

Jadikanlah aku isteri yang disenangi suami

Bukakanlah hatiku untuk menghayati agama Mu

Bimbinglah aku menjadi isteri Soleha

Hanya pada Mu, Ya Allah…

Ku pohon segala harapan

Kerana aku pasrah dengan dugaan Mu

Kerana aku sedar hinanya aku

Kerana aku insan lemah yang kerap keliru

Kerana aku leka dengan keindahan dunia Mu

Kerana kurang kesabaran ku menghadapi cabaran Mu

Kerana pendek akal ku mengharungi ujian Mu

Ya Allah Tuhanku…….

Aku hanya ingin menjadi isteri yang dirahmati

Isteri yang dikasihi

Isteri yang soleha

Isteri yang sentiasa dihati

Amin, Ya Rabbi Allamin…….

Owh Allah the almighty, I surrender my fate to you and may You bless me with happiness in this life and moreover in the hereafter...

Last but not least, to Mr Saiful Nizam.. Happy Anniversary..

reminds me of my Ghaziy who loved this song n listened to it every morning..